savoring

almost time to meet our newest pumpkin.

four weeks.

as of today that's it, that's all i've got left to be pregnant in this life.

i'm one of those women who's overjoyed to get the baby out (though aren't we all, ladies?)—and then two weeks later sighs when she sees pregnant women, feeling wistful already for the experience. when i was pregnant with Gavin, i was often so preoccupied with Matthew that i felt like i didn't savor it enough. (whereas when Matthew was in my belly, i was playing music for him and reading to him nightly, dutifully filling out my "Belly Book," memorizing the Baby Center app and following all the "rules" to the letter. oh to have all that time to waste!) once Gavin was born, i knew that if we decided to have a third, i would absolutely savor that pregnancy.

ha!

not sure how i thought i'd be any less preoccupied by a toddler and a (rather mischievous) infant in the house. 

i spent perhaps the entire first trimester in disbelief, unable to wrap my head around the fact that only six months after giving birth i had signed myself up to do it all over again before i've had enough time to forget how much it hurts. the second trimester was all about shifting into high gear in terms of deciding where to live and selling our apartment and buying our home and all the chaos of moving.

and now here i am. nearing the end of the third trimester of my absolute last pregnancy, and what do i have to show for it? a few haphazard belly pictures, some ultrasound images tucked somewhere, and a rather disturbing collection of varicose veins. this little girl in my belly does not have a set-up nursery yet, she barely has anything to wear and—oh dear—she doesn't even a name.

but i keep trying to remind myself of what she does have: a mama who knows what she's doing (well, 30 percent of the time). she has a daddy who'll be forever wrapped around her littlest finger and lost in a love stupor the likes of which he's never known for the rest of his life. she's got two big brothers—built-in defenders, pals (and, let's be honest, pains in the ass) she'll be stuck with forever, lucky her.

it's not the prime-for-Pinterest room, the collection of organic teethers or the overpriced burping cloths that matter. it's not the closet full of sleep-and-plays (most of which she'll outgrow before the tags come off) or the homemade baby food or multiple pieces of equipment that vibrate.

it's love. messy and unorganized and disheveled love. and it's the one thing she's had from day one. because yeah, i may have had stretches of time when i forgot i was actually pregnant and i may have just remembered i should stock up on some smaller-size diapers soon, because her brother's size fours just aren't going to cut it. but i've done a lot of thinking in the last 30 weeks or so about what it will mean to have a daughter: everything i want to teach her, share with her, experience with her, learn from her. 

i may not be savoring this pregnancy as much as i thought i would, but i do know that i will be savoring my little girl as much as humanly possible. (and hopefully she'll forgive me for not reading to her in utero.)

mbm