today

safe on solid ground in their own backyard.

this morning i was awakened by someone tugging on my hair. i rolled to my right and came face to face with my three year old standing next to my bed. he went to sleep at nine-thirty last night but—such is the way with toddlers, at least my toddler—the later he goes to bed, the earlier he's up. what kind of backwards logic is that? 

despite this, i promise it was completely unintentional when i knocked him down the stairs a few hours later. in my defense, i thought i had plenty of room to squeeze by him and i caught him—while holding his little brother in my arms, no less. still, he wound up on his back, head down, having slipped one or two steps down from where he'd been standing innocently, gazing out the window. his lower lip trembled a little and i immediately sat down, pulled him to me in a hug and said i was so sorry. (then i had to grab his little brother, who was thisclose to tumbling down the stairs himself.) 

once everyone was secure and upright, i took a deep breath and told myself to calm the hell down. 

life has been...strange lately. we're in a new house, in a new town, with 10 weeks to go until our new baby arrives. i also, just last week, lost my job quite unceremoniously. 

change has been rampant. 

i've never been very good at change. though i'm much better now than i used to be. one of the perks of aging: you figure out things are going to change whether or not you throw yourself on the floor screaming and flailing, so you might as well save your energy. 

but i'm feeling pretty groundless, to borrow a term used by my former therapist, who i believed borrowed it from the Buddha. so many details up in the air, no way to predict what life will be like a month, three months, three years from now.

but that's the beauty of it, i remind myself constantly. isn't that what all the quotes on Pinterest say? 

anyway, i had quit blogging about seven months ago, but i'm in pretty desperate need of outlets for my writing these days. so, here we are. deja vu all over again. 

mbm